I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
