Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
