upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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