I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
