I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
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Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
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Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
They have beer where we have blood.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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