You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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