You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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