after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I have grass duct taped all over my body
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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