i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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