fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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