I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
