I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
