I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
