Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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