Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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