By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
