so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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