legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
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I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
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Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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