listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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