probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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