His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
