We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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