tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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