discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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