It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
