His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
