surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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