everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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