Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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