I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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