I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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