Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I want to fling myself into the sun
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
