i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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