Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
