I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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