I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
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Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
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It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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