Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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