i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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