If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
