every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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