By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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