I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
