i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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