Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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