The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
