the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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