K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
