We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
