Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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