I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
