"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
