dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
