capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
