I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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