cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
