billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
