I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
When are your genitals available?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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